What Do You Say to a Squirrel?

What Do You Say to a Squirrel?

By J. Glenn Eugster

November 9, 2009

As a young child I was fortunate to always receive wonderful birthday and Christmas gifts from parents and family members who loved me.  One year I received a scale model that allowed me to assemble a life size plastic replica of a squirrel complete with life-like eyeballs, realistic whiskers, and a fur-like spray-on substance to cover the plastic body with.  For kid who liked sports, cowboys and Indians, and army stuff, this struck me as one of those loving but off-beat educational gifts that I would appreciate as I got older.

I assembled the squirrel and placed it in my room on a bookshelf overlooking my bed where it stood silently for quite a few years.  Little did I know that this was my introduction to these strange yet endearing animals who seem dedicated to regular interactions with humans.

My wife Deborah and I live next to a 43 acre city park in Alexandria, VA. Fort Ward Historical Park was major reason why we purchased the home we live in and it affords us nature and history on a daily basis.  Although the leaves will change with the seasons and park visitation will vary over the year, the one constant that we have are squirrels.  Each day they are running along our fences, climbing trees, digging in the lawn, the flower beds, and our potted plants.  They move about as if they are working on a deadline and have no time for anything but the task at hand.

The only time I’ve seen these squirrels stop is when we wander into an area that they don’t think we should be in.  It is then that they will position themselves on a tree limb or trellis and let loose an irritable chattering noise in our direction.  They speak to us with an impatience that seems unreasonable given that we pay a substantial mortgage on our home and surrounding property.  Then again, perhaps they lived on our property before it was developed and feel as if their interest in the land predates our claim.

When I was a young man attending college one summer I made periodic visits to my parents home in Laurel, NY.  If I visited on a Saturday I would spend the night roaming local bars and nightspots before returning to the house.  If it was very late when I pulled into their yard, and I had to much to drink, I would often grab my sleeping bag which I always kept in the back of my car and wander into the back yard to sleep under the stars and one of the big oaks growing on the property.  At night the sky was clear, bright with stars and as peaceful as any place I can recall.

When the sun rose Sunday morning the peaceful quality of my outdoor bedroom was almost always broken by a squirrel who would climb a branch over me, look down, and chatter in an aggressive and belligerent tone.  Suffering from sleep deprivation, too much alcohol and not enough coffee these encounters would always result in harsh words between us.

I’ve also seen the squirrels stand on the deck outside the window to our enclosed sunroom.  They seem to know that glass separates them from our two Birmin cats, Mr. Percy and Ms. Pearl.  The squirrels stand in silence no more than 18” from the window where Percy and Pearl stare and let loose with a soft guttural noise that must suggest what they might do if the door were to open.

One evening I called my Aunt Stella who lives in Greenvale, NY.  I call her regularly to see how she is and to exchange information about each other and other family members.  The calls are almost always enjoyable and they keep this important connection to our family which is shrinking in many ways while growing in others.

This evening’s call led Aunt Stella to share a story about how she and her long-time companion John spent the afternoon repairing a hole in the eave along the roof line to her house.  Evidently over time they began to hear noises in the walls of the house and suspected that a squirrel or other wild animal had taken residence in the house through the hole.

Aunt Stella and John were both in their late 70’s when this story was told and my aunt went into great detail telling me about how she and John made this repair.  She said that they got the ladder out of the garage; carried it to the side of the house where the hole was; brought a piece of wood, a hammer and nails to the ladder; held the ladder and climbed it to cover the hole with the board; and nail it to the eave.  Her story continued with she and John carrying the ladder and the hammer back to the garage feeling as if this was a job well done.

Much to their surprise, as they lugged the ladder down the driveway toward the garage, they noticed a very excited and irritated squirrel looking at them from inside the basement window.  Upon reflection Aunt Stella and John soon realized that as they fixed the hole to the eave they had boarded-up the squirrels entrance and exit, while the squirrel was inside.  With its escape route blocked the squirrel quickly worked its way through the walls until it found a way into the house and the basement.

Inside the house the squirrel entered a heightened state of confusion and panic running from floor to floor, room to room, window to window.  Aunt Stella and John entered the house and embraced the confusion and panic as they tried to find a way to get the squirrel to leave the house.  They opened doors and windows, shouted spirited slogans of encouragement, and waved their arms.

Eventually the squirrel left the house and Aunt Stella and John closed the doors and windows before returning to the driveway to put the ladder and hammer away.   

Much to my surprise this Sunday morning as I read the Metro-Section of the prestigious Washington Post I came across a report called ANIMAL WATCH which read:

ALEXANDRIA, West Bellefonte and Commonwealth avenues, Oct. 23.  Residents called the Animal Welfare League about a squirrel that was perched on top of a third-story window air-conditioner.  The squirrel didn’t move despite residents’ repeated knocking on the window.  An animal control officer opened the window, and the squirrel scampered away.  The day before, the residents had repaired a hole in the eave, which had been occupied by a family of squirrels.  The officer suspected that the squirrel did not realize that the space was no longer available.

These days Deborah and I regularly maintain our home to reduce the chances of noises in the walls or small furry faces with big teeth staring at us through the basement window.  We also continue to wonder if the next call to Aunt Stella will include another rousing story about the squirrel family’s reentry into her home in Greenvale.  Although we love our children and grandchildren we won’t ever buy them a scale model of a squirrel to complete and pose in their room.  With nature nearby, we, and Alexandria, VA, have enough squirrels and we are sure that more are on their way.