EVERYBODY OFF THE ROAD

EVERYBODY OFF THE ROAD!!!

March 16, 2006

By J. Glenn Eugster
Fontana Free Press

My sister Claudette sent me an e-mail message the other day to let me know that her daughter Elise had passed her driving test and was now licensed to drive. She said she was really excited and mentioned that Eli, Elise’s father, was taking her to look at cars. My sister closed by saying “We all just aged about 20 years!”

My head is in retirement these days even if my body is still at work. I have time to ponder things so I did. Elise driving a car. Interesting thought. When I was her age I had an old two-door Chevy, painted flat black, stick-shift on the column, and a dead-cows-skull wired to the hood….blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Returning my thoughts to Claudette's message I imagined Elise dressing in a chauffeur's outfit and carting Mr. and Mrs. Gold around AL, GA, SC and NC. Driving Ms. Claudie through the south as the family goes to the beach. Nice touch folks.

I also imagined Elise riding around with the two girls she introduced us to one year at the beach. They dress in black and talk quietly about torturing animals and docile adults, looking to kidnap Saturday shoppers for teenage fun and games. Some one will need to show Elise where the car washes are and how to vacuum the trunk so she doesn't show up on the television show “Cops“.

I also imagined Elise riding around with the two girls she introduced us to one year at the beach. They dress in black and talk quietly about torturing animals and docile adults, looking to kidnap Saturday shoppers for teenage fun and games. Some one will need to show Elise where the car washes are and how to vacuum the trunk so she doesn't show up on the television show “Cops“.

I imagined Elise spending less time on the computer and more time on the interstate roaming about Nashville, TN on Sunday mornings. Why talk to friends in Pennsylvania when you can go see them in your car? Networking is more fun in person.

I imagined Elise driving fast because the NASCAR drivers do it. Eli can do the announcing as Elise does her own “Talladega 500“.

I imagined Elise eating more now that she has a car. There aren't many southern restaurants that don't have curb service and now it is easier than ever to go to Jack-in-the-Box.

The car will help her stay up late since she won’t have to walk as much. Energy conservation at it's best.

Her social life will get more interesting. She'll take driver education at school so she can get her night license sooner. She'll fall in love with her teacher and shock her mother's friends on the fundraising board. She'll get free lessons which will save money and it will mean another interesting person at the beach for 4th of July.

I imagined Elise in a big car, given her long legs. No VW Kharman Ghia for Elise. Give her a car with fenders and a big back seat and trunk. Her posture is important. The big trunk will enable her and the two girls that dress in black to keep things in the trunk.

I imagined what my Aunt Stella would say when the news reached Greenvale, NY. Is she old enough to drive? Does she know how to drive? I didn't drive when I was her age. Where will she go? Will she drive alone? Will other kids go with her? Are you sure this is a good idea? Why doesn't she drive to Greenvale see me?

I imagined Elise's summer job flourishing now that she can drive to pick up the vegetables that she'll be selling along the beach. Better yet, in the family tradition of sending the "Vegetable Kids" out to sell produce, she can drive around with fruit and vegetables on her hood and in her trunk selling them to neighbors. Too bad they don't publish late afternoon papers anymore she could have a paper route.

I imagined Claudette and Eli realizing that they have entered a new dimension of parent-hood. One they have completely thought through or understand. I can see more sleepless nights and meaningful glances across the kitchen table. I can see an entire family with “ZuZu Eyes” coming closer together as the "Teen-auto-Age" arrives in Golden World. How nice that they will have more time to talk to each other since they will be up all night going a little nuts.

I imagined seeing Claudette returning to her career as the Queen of Wiffle-Ball with the extra time she'll have now that she doesn't have to schlep Elise around day and night.

Sensing that my pondering might be getting me carried away I decided to contact my daughter Laura who often provides me with a more rationale view of the world. Evidently my message struck a cord with Laura and she replied, “I, for one, hope that Elise enjoys her newfound freedom. I fondly remember the first day that I was able to drive my friends around the booming metropolis of Woodbury, New Jersey in my '71 Kharman Ghia with the top down. Never mind that the floor in the back right side had a hole which leaves would fly up through and that it didn't go over 55 mph. (something my father neglected to mention when he helped me pick the car) OR that as a prank the high school track team (not even the football players) used to periodically move it perpendicular in a parallel spot while I was at hockey practice. This is what being a teenager is all about! Having said that, I won't be driving with her without a helmet and a rosary handy. THIS is the girl who fell down the stairs at our house three times on her last visit“.

Laura also used this opportunity to comment on my comments about Aunt Stella’s reaction to the news. “As for Stell - it doesn't matter how long or how well you drive". According to Laura “the non-driving aunt lets you have it“. My son-in-law Jaime learned this the hard way during their visit to Greenvale and an excursion to Roosevelt Field.

Laura note caused me to ponder her message and the clarity of her memories. Young people sometimes do get the past confused and this exchange seemed to be laden with murky information. I recalled that Laura "really wanted" the car we picked. Also, her Mom stood-up in the back seat which caused the rusty floorboards to crumble. There was a debate with Woodburyians as to whether it was a faulty floor or a chunky Mom that caused the floor-failure. It seems to me the logic of driving within the speed limit does make great sense. You really do see more scenery when you drive under 55 mph and teenagers need to slow down and savor their youth. Little do they realize that it's harder out here in adult-and.

As I was drawn back into the world around me I imagined myself glad that my daughter didn't just get her license and our cat can't drive anymore.